I'm convinced that pregnancy has a direct correlation associated with it: the better you're feeling, the faster time flies. Once discomfort settles in, all clocks are switched to ones that tick slower and the days sure seem to have a few extra hours added to them.
In all honesty and full disclosure, I've been struggling a lot with guilt during this pregnancy. This little life inside of me is something Phil and I have been praying for for several years. It took a lot out of me emotionally to get to the point of finally seeing two lines on a pregnancy test. Because of that, I've really felt like I have no right to complain about anything while pregnant. Gratefully, I haven't really had much to complain about anyway, as most of my pregnancy has been more than ok and I really have it easy while pregnant compared to some mamas I know and the pregnancies they've experienced. But let's be real, no matter how easy of a pregnancy, the last month is just uncomfortable.There's something about letting yourself experience whatever it is that you're going through for what it is, and not having any expectations of shoulds and should nots. I know that is a LOT easier said than done though. I'm living proof.
I've spent a lot of time processing a whole lot of emotions throughout this pregnancy, most of which I've saved for my private journal and the ears of a select few friends; and I'm trying to just be ok with however I'm feeling now, in this moment.
Pregnancy is beautiful and there have been countless moments where I am in tears over the awe of carrying a life inside of me. But then there are times where it most certainly is not. When every limb is swollen, I'm crying over spilled milk (which literally has happened at least once this pregnancy) and yelling at Judah for something probably meaningless because my patience is something that disappeared right about the time I stopped being able to hold my pee longer than 30 minutes. I'm learning to be ok with myself and how I'm feeling in both situations. This too is a season. Just like the journey of actually getting pregnant was a season. That time was mostly difficult with seasoned peppers of joy, gratitude and grace found throughout. This season is full of gratitude and joy, with some growing pains for our entire family throughout.
I know this precious time of having my baby girl inside of me is coming to an end. This is the last month or so, depending on when she's ready to make her entrance. I am steadied between soaking in the last moments of it just being me and Judah during the day, yet also accepting that some days I just can't wait for bedtime and the day to be done. And both are ok.
I'm so grateful for the grace that abounds in all seasons of life. Grace during the heartbreaking times in the words of an encouraging friend. Grace during the joyous times with reminders that while life is not always hard, it's not always easy breezy either. The good and the bad. The highs and lows. You can't have one without the other. And, despite it all, I know that no one has ever been pregnant forever...have they? ;)
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| 9 months in all its glory |
