I often stare at Judah while he's sleeping and wonder what he's thinking. I've had this conversation with almost everyone who has come to visit us, because, well, Judah is usually sleeping throughout the visit and what else is there to do but stare at his pout lips and soft cheeks and talk about him sleeping? It must be so peaceful to be able to drift into sleep without a worry. My personal opinion is that God gives newborns images or dreams of some sort to lull them to sleep. I love that babies are born with clean slates. No regrets, no guilt, nothing to keep them up at night (and during the day, since this babe sleeps a lot and is still learning the difference between night and day). I get teary just daydreaming about what his personality will be like when he starts to talk, walk, form his own opinions and figure out life for himself with the guidance that Phil and I will give him.
Being a mom, a parent, is such an adjustment. All of a sudden there's this little person that you just met but love so much and will do anything to protect. To me, being a mom is still a bit surreal. Yesterday, Judah and I went out together on a walk and, for the first time, it was just the two of us. I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window pushing his stroller and thought whoa, that's me. I'M the mom with the stroller! It still looked like me, just me carting around an extra little person. My little person. So yes, it does still feel surreal, but it also feels very normal. Every day that I'm taking care of Judah and adjusting to a life with the three of us rather than just two, I feel like this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. This moment in my life, right now, feels so right and wonderful.When I'm woken up at 3am, 4am, 5am and maybe again at 5:30am to nurse this bottomless pit of an eater, I try to remind myself that years from now, these are the moments I will look back on fondly. I want to treasure the twilight nursing sessions when Phil is snoozing next to us in bed and I'm staring down at my son with groggy eyes, stroking his hair and wondering how much longer he'll be nursing. I want to treasure the countless diaper changes, especially the ones when Judah decides to poop in a freshly changed diaper. At 3am. When I've forgotten to put on PJ pants and am shivering in the freezing cold while trying to quickly change his diaper and get back into my warm bed. These are the moments that I think are easy to want to fast forward through - to get to a time when maybe I'll get a little more sleep at night and maybe Judah won't need to be changed 10+ times a day. But these are the moments that, I'm sure, pass by so quickly.
All of the yawns (both mine and his), all of the dirty diapers, all of the time spent soothing his tears and fussiness and nursing is all worth it when I see this look of pure peace and satisfaction on my son's face. This look that Judah knows mom and dad love me. They're going to take care of me. No matter what I do, everything will be ok as long as they're here. I hope this feeling of his never, ever goes away.
