Month 9

It's the last month people. The home stretch! The magical month 9 (or month 10, whatever, pregnancy is really 10 months, but who's counting?) where time seems to slow down. This entire pregnancy as a whole has gone by really fast. I'm surprised just how much faster it has felt than Judah's did. Then again, I did have a toddler to chase after this time around so I'm sure that helped speed up time.

I'm convinced that pregnancy has a direct correlation associated with it: the better you're feeling, the faster time flies. Once discomfort settles in, all clocks are switched to ones that tick slower and the days sure seem to have a few extra hours added to them.

In all honesty and full disclosure, I've been struggling a lot with guilt during this pregnancy. This little life inside of me is something Phil and I have been praying for for several years. It took a lot out of me emotionally to get to the point of finally seeing two lines on a pregnancy test. Because of that, I've really felt like I have no right to complain about anything while pregnant. Gratefully, I haven't really had much to complain about anyway, as most of my pregnancy has been more than ok and I really have it easy while pregnant compared to some mamas I know and the pregnancies they've experienced. But let's be real, no matter how easy of a pregnancy, the last month is just uncomfortable.There's something about letting yourself experience whatever it is that you're going through for what it is, and not having any expectations of shoulds and should nots. I know that is a LOT easier said than done though. I'm living proof.

I've spent a lot of time processing a whole lot of emotions throughout this pregnancy, most of which I've saved for my private journal and the ears of a select few friends; and I'm trying to just be ok with however I'm feeling now, in this moment.

Pregnancy is beautiful and there have been countless moments where I am in tears over the awe of carrying a life inside of me. But then there are times where it most certainly is not. When every limb is swollen, I'm crying over spilled milk (which literally has happened at least once this pregnancy) and yelling at Judah for something probably meaningless because my patience is something that disappeared right about the time I stopped being able to hold my pee longer than 30 minutes. I'm learning to be ok with myself and how I'm feeling in both situations. This too is a season. Just like the journey of actually getting pregnant was a season. That time was mostly difficult with seasoned peppers of joy, gratitude and grace found throughout. This season is full of gratitude and joy, with some growing pains for our entire family throughout.

I know this precious time of having my baby girl inside of me is coming to an end. This is the last month or so, depending on when she's ready to make her entrance. I am steadied between soaking in the last moments of it just being me and Judah during the day, yet also accepting that some days I just can't wait for bedtime and the day to be done. And both are ok.

I'm so grateful for the grace that abounds in all seasons of life. Grace during the heartbreaking times in the words of an encouraging friend. Grace during the joyous times with reminders that while life is not always hard, it's not always easy breezy either. The good and the bad. The highs and lows. You can't have one without the other. And, despite it all, I know that no one has ever been pregnant forever...have they? ;)

9 months in all its glory

March

So March was a rough month. I think every year, March tricks me. March has the ring of spring to it, yet it's nearly always the month we get the most snow and I get the most sick. This year was no exception. Having evaded sickness all winter long, the cold I caught this month hit me. Hard. Draining me of the already depleted energy that one has during pregnancy, being sick and growing a baby is hard on the body.

Silver lining: It did force me (because I really had no other option) to rest. The kind of rest where most of the day for multiple days in a row are spent either on the couch or in bed. Taking a shower is a win for the day. But it still hung on for over two weeks.

We're all pretty much healthy in our household now and now I'm in my third trimester of pregnancy. Wow. Just like that. I will say that this pregnancy has gone by way faster than Judah's felt. And I am loving it just as much as I loved being pregnant with him (aside from the weeks I was sick...that was... torturous). It's such a special feeling knowing that I'm growing a human inside my body. Feeling her kick makes it that much more real and reminds me that, oh yeah, there's a person in there!

Believe it or not, it still feels surreal sometimes. I'm not sure if that's because of the journey we had to get here and how much time I spent in a place of wondering if I'd ever get to be pregnant again. Or if it's because my mind has been more occupied in different ways than it was during Judah's pregnancy. Maybe a little of both. But her sweet movements and kicks remind me that this is real and I'm so.stinking.grateful.

The other night before bed, Judah wanted to put his hand on my belly to "feel baby girl move." He puts both hands on my belly and I ask, "Do you want to say goodnight?" He responds with, "Goodnight, I love you!" to my belly. It doesn't take much to make me cry these days and that definitely did me in. I am so excited to see Judah as a big brother. I know we'll have our own transitions to overcome, all of us, but I know he's going to love this little girl fiercely and protectively because that's who he is. It's amazing how a heart that has been broken and aching can feel so full and overflowing. The very same heart. The human body is one amazing tool. Way to go God.

As the weather hopefully catches up to a calendar that claims it is spring, I am stilled with excitement. Just about twelve weeks left and then we'll be a family of four! Baby girl, you are so loved. So very, very loved.

Present moment

Judah's new question of the day is: so has the baby arrived? I've been reading him books about being a big brother, mommy's growing belly, and other themed books around our growing family. I know his full understanding won't come until the baby is actually here, and never leaves, but it's fun to see his brain try to wrap itself around this concept of a little sister. How'd the baby get in there? How's it going to get out? What's a birth canal? (trying explaining that to a 3 year old..ha!) It's a precious time to see his brain try and comprehend a concept that I'm explaining to him, yet he cannot see. Here I am telling him there's a baby in mommy's belly, but he can't see it. Yet he trusts me. My son is constantly teaching me lessons about faith, grace and love each and every day.

The other day I took down the girl clothes that we do have from hand-me-downs in the attic. I started sorting through and pulling out the smallest sizes. My eyes welled as I'm filled with unimaginable gratitude that I get to hold another life inside of me. Seeing how tiny the clothes are, Judah's look like man clothes in comparison! It's fun to take small steps in getting the nursery together. Even though I know that she won't even use the majority of the items for months and months, it doesn't stop my excitement to see it come together. This season of life is so full.

The theme of seasons in life keeps coming up. The church we go to had a wonderful series a few months ago titled Seasons that discussed how each one brings different challenges and hope into our life. This church has been a beacon of hope and a rock of comfort since we started attending in 2012. Little had I known what God had in store for us. I look back over the last few years, since we started attending the campus local to us, and I can see God's footprint all over the people and opportunities he placed in our life to help us through the past rough season of our lives. I am so humbled and thankful for God's grace and mercy.

I've never been good at living in the moment but I think becoming a mom has helped that to a point. I don't mind the passing of time as much and I really appreciate that life changes because it can be really hard. But then, it can also be really good. In this present season of my life, I'm really trying to soak in each and every day for what it is. As winter turns into spring, I can see that it would be harder to appreciate the warmth of the sun and the scent of the flowers if we hadn't weathered through the harsh, cold months prior. It doesn't make the winter any less cold, but it does provide a hope of change and warmer months to come.

What got me here.

I lay down in bed after a full day and my hand instinctively goes to my stomach. Like many of us, I assume, the precious moments before I fall asleep are filled with reflection, gratitude and prayer. Please God, keep this baby safe. My hand clings to my stomach in the hopes that my baby can feel the warmth and love coming through my hand to their teeny body. My body tosses and turns in bed. The very same bed that cradled me over the past few years as I wept, curled up in a ball, unsure if I had any more tears left to shed...yet there they were. The countless months of hoping maybe..? only to be drowned in a flood of disappointment.

"We're not sure why this isn't happening for you both. You're both healthy and none of the tests show any issues." News that gave us equal parts of relief and frustration. That brought us right back to pleading with God...why? I'm not here because I have the answer. I don't, and maybe I never will until I can ask God himself when we meet. Instead, I feel compelled to write about the mercy and greatness of a God who still met me in the midst of bitterness, anger and a whole lot of questions.

As I opened up this website to start a new blog, I came across many, many drafts that I started over the last few years, but never finished or published. Every time I sat down to try and write about the pain we were facing, the words felt stale. A voice always prodded yes, but...don't you have enough to be thankful for? I am by no means a writer, but I understand the feeling of when the words come to you, and when they don't. I never felt like I could fully grasp the depth of everything I was going through and how could my heart be equally full of joy and gratitude for what I do have, yet empty and broken for the yearning to grow our family?

Instead, my close friends became my outlet, my lifeline. I am in awe of a God who knows what we need, when we need it. Who knew the people I would need in my life for weathering the seasons. I think of my dear friend who remembered the key days of the month and reached out every.single.month on that day to see how I was doing. That same friend who now is as equally excited as I am for my weekly growing bump pictures and reminds me about them the day before. I think of another dear friend who, having weathered this storm herself years before, cried with me through hours of talks and encouragement saying that it is in God's timing. A very true statement, even if I didn't want to hear it at the time. (But why doesn't God's timing add up with MY timing? Anyone?) A sister who could tell I wasn't doing well with one look in my eye and gathered me up in a hug so I could cry. Another who cried tears of joy with me over the phone when I told her our journey had ended with a positive test. And of course, a husband who walked through each and every step with me. Climbing the hills, and bearing the valleys together. A husband who picked up so many extra pieces that he deserves an award. But he'd be too humble to accept it.

I think back over this past season of life with tears in my eyes, but different tears now. Tears of humility toward a God that was right there next to me the entire time, even if I felt like he was far away some days. He was right there with a hug from a friend, a word of encouragement, a loving glance. I am so humbled by the fact that even through all the anger, most of it directed at him, God still reached down and breathed the life of a miracle that I wasn't sure I'd ever experience again.

It's funny how our plans so often differ from reality. How many of us can say that the life we expected, the life we hoped and dreamed for as kids and now as adults happened exactly how we thought it would? I would guess that answer is slim to none. I will never understand tragedy. I will never understand why people suffer in the way they do, through loss, disappointment, heartache, other than knowing that we live in a broken world. The exact explanations of each situation will always elude me, but I do know that I serve a God who loves me unconditionally, despite all my faults (and there's a long list of 'em). Through the lowest of lows, knowing that God is with me is my saving grace. My rock.

Maybe I will be able to use this experience to help someone else going through something similar. Maybe this was so that I could relate to someone who needs some encouragement, much like my dear friends provide me. Or maybe we just weren't supposed to have our kids as close together as I'd hoped.

I think about what it will be like to become a family of four. One thing I can say for certainty is I have no fear of not loving this baby as much as Judah; that ship has sailed my friends. This baby already has my heart as much as Judah does. But I think about how he'll be as a brother, how this pregnancy is different and how it feels the same as when Judah was in there. Thoughts I wasn't sure I'd be able to have again, yet there they are. It's funny how life works. The rough parts break you down and beat you up, yet we keep going. The joys fill our hearts so much that we don't think we can possibly feel any more love, yet our hearts find room to keep growing.

Today I am hoping that wherever you are in your journey of life, that you know you are loved. Through both the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, you are loved.

We The People

It's been hard for me to formulate the right words to express how I've felt over this election period. Horrified. Surprised. Worried. Sad. The words don't seem to hold enough depth to describe what is happening in our country right now.

Above who was elected and who wasn't and above the absolute tragedy that were both "campaigns," if you can even call them that, is the heartbreaking hatred that has sprung up as a result of election day. My heart breaks. My heart breaks for those who are being targeted with hate. My heart breaks for those people's parents. You guys. We are all people. It doesn't matter what you look like. What you believe. Who you love. Where you live. What your title is. We, you, I are all human beings seeking love, acceptance and freedom.

My heart is broken that I don't have the words to explain to my son. He is not yet two, so he doesn't understand, I know...but he will someday. I will teach him with fervor that women are to be valued, respected, loved. That every race is an example of how creative God is and how he celebrates that we are not all the same. Each of us is an individual. That when someone disagrees with you, it's a reminder that God gave us free will and he allows us to exercise that free will.

 All I can do is pray. Its what I've been doing since this election began. No matter who our president is, he or she needs prayer for every decision they will make.

My hope, my prayer is to teach Judah to be part of the solution and to never contribute to the hate. And to never lose hope. To never lose hope in humanity. If Jesus could never lose hope in us, I sure don't want to either. I know we can move forward. I know we can press on past the darkness. We are so much more than who is or isn't leading our country. We the People. We create, innovate, heal, learn, birth, love...we are so much more than what is being highlighted in the media right now. God created us for GREATNESS. So spread greatness.

Fulfillment

There are a few things in life that many other humans seem to enjoy, yet I never understood why. Running is one. Cooking is another. I'm sure there are more, but these are the two I can think of off the top of my head. I tried running. I downloaded an app, I went faithfully every day for maybe a month. Then I fell back into the fitness routine I feel more comfortable with: anything else.

Creamy Tortellini Soup - it was DELISH!

Then there's cooking. There are TV shows about cooking. People choose to be a chef. Yes, as a career. Most of my friends and family enjoy cooking. Yet here I was with no desire to cook and, worse, when I did dabble in it, nothing I made would hardly ever turn out. I wasn't great at timing, if one thing burned then FORGET IT I'M NEVER COOKING AGAIN! Phil enjoys cooking, but since our lifestyle has shifted since having Judah and I am working from home with him (because, c'mon, raising a baby is a full-time job people. Stay-at-home mom makes it sound like we do nothing, right?), it makes sense for me to start cooking.

Within the last few weeks, I can actually say that I've gotten enjoyment out of cooking. Say, what? I was just telling my friend Tori earlier that if you had told me I would be enjoying cooking even a month ago, I would've laughed. But, there's something to be said about putting your time and energy into something and seeing something beautiful (and, dare I say, tasty) out of it!

Now, it's not an easy feat cooking with a toddler, I'll tell you. Who decided that the fussiest time of day should also coincide with the time that dinner needs to be prepped? What the heck. Most of the time, Judah is crawling up my leg looking at me like why aren't you holding me? But I've been able to work around him or distract him with kitchen tools. It doesn't matter that by the time I'm finished cooking Judah has emptied most of the cabinets in our kitchen and undone any chore within his reach that I may have completed earlier. This is the stage of life I'm in right now and I'm working with what I have. Dinner is cooked and I actually got some fulfillment out of it -- this is big news friends.

"Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable"

I'm so grateful to have fulfillment in other areas of my life too. Being a mother, wow, how can I wrap up Judah's first year of life in one word? Fulfillment. Just like cooking, there are areas that are messy, imperfect, rushed and stressful, but the end product is so unbelievably worth it.

It seems like when Judah came along, my heart got bigger to make room for other areas in my life that I often wished were fulfilling, but weren't. This past year has also brought along starting my own business. I remember wondering if I would ever find a profession that I felt excited about, challenged me and also made me some money, because that's always nice. I joined Mary Kay six months ago and can say wholeheartedly that I've never enjoyed working so much in my life. Except, it doesn't even feel like work. It has pushed me so far out of my comfort zone (hello public speaking and presentations) and I am so thankful for that. I feel so much more confident in who I am and who I want to be. I want what I do here on earth to matter. Why not? That's why God put us here. To experience. To worship. To Live. To share our stories with others.

Some of our community - the best!

Sharing life with the community of friends we've made since moving to Warwick brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. We are building a life for Judah around quality friends in a quality town. This little town is so quaint and our community here brings me a lot of fulfillment.

Life brings seasons and I've been through my share of them. Not every season has brought me fulfillment and joy, but this one has filled my heart so completely. Here's to finding what brings you fulfillment and pouring that into every aspect of your life, even things you never saw yourself trying or enjoying!

Summer & Community

Summer is my favorite time of the year. I love when you can start driving with your windows open and you see people bicycling, playing outside and smell the fresh cut grass and barbecues fired up. In the Northeast summer brings with it waves and waves of humidity, but that's ok, I'll take the sweat and heat over being cold any day!

Enjoying a summer day at the lake

This summer Judah has been keeping up with my love for being outdoors. Ever since I can remember I've always felt guilty staying inside when it's a beautiful day outside, so every time the sun is shining: out we go! Judah has meshed right into my summer life of spending it outdoors and although he's inherited my sweaty nature (you just say the word 'sweat' and I'll start sweating, kind of surprising that I love summer actually), he's taking it all in stride with little complaints.

Not too sure about this whole swing thing

I've been talking to Phil and my sisters recently about how where we live has started to feel like such a community to me. When we first moved here, I was so happy to live close to my sister, but I didn't quite feel like the town was home. It's much more rural than where we used to live and I wasn't sure how or where to meet people. Besides all of that, our second year here was pretty rough and made it hard for me to feel safe or at home, given all of the terrible things that kept happening to us that year. I distinctly remember driving home from a vacation during that year in
tears because I just didn't want to go home. Home reminded me of the pain of that year, and it wasn't a safe place for me.

Enter: community. When I had Judah, I just refused not to go out and meet people. I am a people person. I love talking, chatting, laughing, commiserating and just sharing life with others. I have to. As I got to know other local moms, my web of support grew. My circles of friends started to connect to one another and slowly I found that this little town was starting to feel like home. Now, it does feel like home. I am so glad to be where we are right now. I'm so thankful for the community we have here and it fills my heart to be able to share parenthood and motherhood with dear friends who are sharing it right back with me. That age-old and cliched saying 'it takes a village' is SO right. It does take a village, and really, it should. I'm so happy to finally be able to say that I love our village. And I love this summer in our village with my little guy.