What got me here.

I lay down in bed after a full day and my hand instinctively goes to my stomach. Like many of us, I assume, the precious moments before I fall asleep are filled with reflection, gratitude and prayer. Please God, keep this baby safe. My hand clings to my stomach in the hopes that my baby can feel the warmth and love coming through my hand to their teeny body. My body tosses and turns in bed. The very same bed that cradled me over the past few years as I wept, curled up in a ball, unsure if I had any more tears left to shed...yet there they were. The countless months of hoping maybe..? only to be drowned in a flood of disappointment.

"We're not sure why this isn't happening for you both. You're both healthy and none of the tests show any issues." News that gave us equal parts of relief and frustration. That brought us right back to pleading with God...why? I'm not here because I have the answer. I don't, and maybe I never will until I can ask God himself when we meet. Instead, I feel compelled to write about the mercy and greatness of a God who still met me in the midst of bitterness, anger and a whole lot of questions.

As I opened up this website to start a new blog, I came across many, many drafts that I started over the last few years, but never finished or published. Every time I sat down to try and write about the pain we were facing, the words felt stale. A voice always prodded yes, but...don't you have enough to be thankful for? I am by no means a writer, but I understand the feeling of when the words come to you, and when they don't. I never felt like I could fully grasp the depth of everything I was going through and how could my heart be equally full of joy and gratitude for what I do have, yet empty and broken for the yearning to grow our family?

Instead, my close friends became my outlet, my lifeline. I am in awe of a God who knows what we need, when we need it. Who knew the people I would need in my life for weathering the seasons. I think of my dear friend who remembered the key days of the month and reached out every.single.month on that day to see how I was doing. That same friend who now is as equally excited as I am for my weekly growing bump pictures and reminds me about them the day before. I think of another dear friend who, having weathered this storm herself years before, cried with me through hours of talks and encouragement saying that it is in God's timing. A very true statement, even if I didn't want to hear it at the time. (But why doesn't God's timing add up with MY timing? Anyone?) A sister who could tell I wasn't doing well with one look in my eye and gathered me up in a hug so I could cry. Another who cried tears of joy with me over the phone when I told her our journey had ended with a positive test. And of course, a husband who walked through each and every step with me. Climbing the hills, and bearing the valleys together. A husband who picked up so many extra pieces that he deserves an award. But he'd be too humble to accept it.

I think back over this past season of life with tears in my eyes, but different tears now. Tears of humility toward a God that was right there next to me the entire time, even if I felt like he was far away some days. He was right there with a hug from a friend, a word of encouragement, a loving glance. I am so humbled by the fact that even through all the anger, most of it directed at him, God still reached down and breathed the life of a miracle that I wasn't sure I'd ever experience again.

It's funny how our plans so often differ from reality. How many of us can say that the life we expected, the life we hoped and dreamed for as kids and now as adults happened exactly how we thought it would? I would guess that answer is slim to none. I will never understand tragedy. I will never understand why people suffer in the way they do, through loss, disappointment, heartache, other than knowing that we live in a broken world. The exact explanations of each situation will always elude me, but I do know that I serve a God who loves me unconditionally, despite all my faults (and there's a long list of 'em). Through the lowest of lows, knowing that God is with me is my saving grace. My rock.

Maybe I will be able to use this experience to help someone else going through something similar. Maybe this was so that I could relate to someone who needs some encouragement, much like my dear friends provide me. Or maybe we just weren't supposed to have our kids as close together as I'd hoped.

I think about what it will be like to become a family of four. One thing I can say for certainty is I have no fear of not loving this baby as much as Judah; that ship has sailed my friends. This baby already has my heart as much as Judah does. But I think about how he'll be as a brother, how this pregnancy is different and how it feels the same as when Judah was in there. Thoughts I wasn't sure I'd be able to have again, yet there they are. It's funny how life works. The rough parts break you down and beat you up, yet we keep going. The joys fill our hearts so much that we don't think we can possibly feel any more love, yet our hearts find room to keep growing.

Today I am hoping that wherever you are in your journey of life, that you know you are loved. Through both the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, you are loved.

We The People

It's been hard for me to formulate the right words to express how I've felt over this election period. Horrified. Surprised. Worried. Sad. The words don't seem to hold enough depth to describe what is happening in our country right now.

Above who was elected and who wasn't and above the absolute tragedy that were both "campaigns," if you can even call them that, is the heartbreaking hatred that has sprung up as a result of election day. My heart breaks. My heart breaks for those who are being targeted with hate. My heart breaks for those people's parents. You guys. We are all people. It doesn't matter what you look like. What you believe. Who you love. Where you live. What your title is. We, you, I are all human beings seeking love, acceptance and freedom.

My heart is broken that I don't have the words to explain to my son. He is not yet two, so he doesn't understand, I know...but he will someday. I will teach him with fervor that women are to be valued, respected, loved. That every race is an example of how creative God is and how he celebrates that we are not all the same. Each of us is an individual. That when someone disagrees with you, it's a reminder that God gave us free will and he allows us to exercise that free will.

 All I can do is pray. Its what I've been doing since this election began. No matter who our president is, he or she needs prayer for every decision they will make.

My hope, my prayer is to teach Judah to be part of the solution and to never contribute to the hate. And to never lose hope. To never lose hope in humanity. If Jesus could never lose hope in us, I sure don't want to either. I know we can move forward. I know we can press on past the darkness. We are so much more than who is or isn't leading our country. We the People. We create, innovate, heal, learn, birth, love...we are so much more than what is being highlighted in the media right now. God created us for GREATNESS. So spread greatness.

Fulfillment

There are a few things in life that many other humans seem to enjoy, yet I never understood why. Running is one. Cooking is another. I'm sure there are more, but these are the two I can think of off the top of my head. I tried running. I downloaded an app, I went faithfully every day for maybe a month. Then I fell back into the fitness routine I feel more comfortable with: anything else.

Creamy Tortellini Soup - it was DELISH!

Then there's cooking. There are TV shows about cooking. People choose to be a chef. Yes, as a career. Most of my friends and family enjoy cooking. Yet here I was with no desire to cook and, worse, when I did dabble in it, nothing I made would hardly ever turn out. I wasn't great at timing, if one thing burned then FORGET IT I'M NEVER COOKING AGAIN! Phil enjoys cooking, but since our lifestyle has shifted since having Judah and I am working from home with him (because, c'mon, raising a baby is a full-time job people. Stay-at-home mom makes it sound like we do nothing, right?), it makes sense for me to start cooking.

Within the last few weeks, I can actually say that I've gotten enjoyment out of cooking. Say, what? I was just telling my friend Tori earlier that if you had told me I would be enjoying cooking even a month ago, I would've laughed. But, there's something to be said about putting your time and energy into something and seeing something beautiful (and, dare I say, tasty) out of it!

Now, it's not an easy feat cooking with a toddler, I'll tell you. Who decided that the fussiest time of day should also coincide with the time that dinner needs to be prepped? What the heck. Most of the time, Judah is crawling up my leg looking at me like why aren't you holding me? But I've been able to work around him or distract him with kitchen tools. It doesn't matter that by the time I'm finished cooking Judah has emptied most of the cabinets in our kitchen and undone any chore within his reach that I may have completed earlier. This is the stage of life I'm in right now and I'm working with what I have. Dinner is cooked and I actually got some fulfillment out of it -- this is big news friends.

"Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable"

I'm so grateful to have fulfillment in other areas of my life too. Being a mother, wow, how can I wrap up Judah's first year of life in one word? Fulfillment. Just like cooking, there are areas that are messy, imperfect, rushed and stressful, but the end product is so unbelievably worth it.

It seems like when Judah came along, my heart got bigger to make room for other areas in my life that I often wished were fulfilling, but weren't. This past year has also brought along starting my own business. I remember wondering if I would ever find a profession that I felt excited about, challenged me and also made me some money, because that's always nice. I joined Mary Kay six months ago and can say wholeheartedly that I've never enjoyed working so much in my life. Except, it doesn't even feel like work. It has pushed me so far out of my comfort zone (hello public speaking and presentations) and I am so thankful for that. I feel so much more confident in who I am and who I want to be. I want what I do here on earth to matter. Why not? That's why God put us here. To experience. To worship. To Live. To share our stories with others.

Some of our community - the best!

Sharing life with the community of friends we've made since moving to Warwick brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. We are building a life for Judah around quality friends in a quality town. This little town is so quaint and our community here brings me a lot of fulfillment.

Life brings seasons and I've been through my share of them. Not every season has brought me fulfillment and joy, but this one has filled my heart so completely. Here's to finding what brings you fulfillment and pouring that into every aspect of your life, even things you never saw yourself trying or enjoying!

Summer & Community

Summer is my favorite time of the year. I love when you can start driving with your windows open and you see people bicycling, playing outside and smell the fresh cut grass and barbecues fired up. In the Northeast summer brings with it waves and waves of humidity, but that's ok, I'll take the sweat and heat over being cold any day!

Enjoying a summer day at the lake

This summer Judah has been keeping up with my love for being outdoors. Ever since I can remember I've always felt guilty staying inside when it's a beautiful day outside, so every time the sun is shining: out we go! Judah has meshed right into my summer life of spending it outdoors and although he's inherited my sweaty nature (you just say the word 'sweat' and I'll start sweating, kind of surprising that I love summer actually), he's taking it all in stride with little complaints.

Not too sure about this whole swing thing

I've been talking to Phil and my sisters recently about how where we live has started to feel like such a community to me. When we first moved here, I was so happy to live close to my sister, but I didn't quite feel like the town was home. It's much more rural than where we used to live and I wasn't sure how or where to meet people. Besides all of that, our second year here was pretty rough and made it hard for me to feel safe or at home, given all of the terrible things that kept happening to us that year. I distinctly remember driving home from a vacation during that year in
tears because I just didn't want to go home. Home reminded me of the pain of that year, and it wasn't a safe place for me.

Enter: community. When I had Judah, I just refused not to go out and meet people. I am a people person. I love talking, chatting, laughing, commiserating and just sharing life with others. I have to. As I got to know other local moms, my web of support grew. My circles of friends started to connect to one another and slowly I found that this little town was starting to feel like home. Now, it does feel like home. I am so glad to be where we are right now. I'm so thankful for the community we have here and it fills my heart to be able to share parenthood and motherhood with dear friends who are sharing it right back with me. That age-old and cliched saying 'it takes a village' is SO right. It does take a village, and really, it should. I'm so happy to finally be able to say that I love our village. And I love this summer in our village with my little guy.

Snapshot

I am utterly in awe of God's design of the human body, the female one to be specific. Don't get me wrong, the male body is pretty darn amazing too, but I've been thinking a lot about what my body, mind and soul are capable of lately.

Most nights, whether or not Judah is sleeping in bed with us or in his crib, my body awakens - all on its own - just seconds before I hear Judah stirring on the monitor or feel him stir in bed with us. My body, this mama bear, knows when her baby is going to wake. I can just feel ahead of time when our baby is going to need replenishing, or maybe just a soothing back to sleep. To be reminded that, yes, everything is OK, mom and dad are still here, go back to sleep little love.

It's that deep, deep connection between mama and baby that has me in awe, and sometimes, even in tears. I have absolutely no doubt that babies and their daddies also have a very special bond, but of course I can only write about my own personal experience. I have wanted to take a snapshot of this moment in our life for quite some time. I call it a moment, but of course it's longer than that. It does feel longer now - the night wakings (which are getting much less frequent, thank both God and time, both of which I give credit to), the nap scheduling, the daily life of a mom and her 5-month old baby. BUT, I know that when I look back upon this time in years to come, it will only feel like a moment. A fleeting moment that passed all too quickly.

I want to take a snapshot because this time is just so, so precious. My little 5-month old and I, we really are enjoying life together. I love when he watches me get my breakfast ready in the morning while he sits in his Rock-N-Play (which he is quickly outgrowing, mind you. He can almost hiney-push his way out of it!). He chews on his favorite toy or his hand and waits until I look over to give me a huge grin. He watches me bop along to whatever song is playing on my iPod and sometimes laugh at how silly I look. I love filling our week up with daily outings, whether that's to a mom group, to Aunt Jen's, out for a walk, to lunch with a friend, or wherever the wind may take us. I also love the days when it's just me and Judah figuring out the day's schedule at home.

But, what I am especially grateful for and what I have felt so blessed to be experiencing lately is breastfeeding. I don't think I ever fully expected the depth of the bond that would come with breastfeeding your child. Those moments when it's just me and Judah, I love taking in all of his perfection in his tiny form. He grasps at me and looks up at me now while nursing. Sometimes he gets so enthralled while staring at me that he stops to give me a smile. Hi mom. My heart is so full of love for this boy and nursing him is such a special connection - I am so proud of my body for giving him the gift of nourishment and love.

If I were to take an actual snapshot of this moment in my life, it would be a lot of things. Busy, but also slow. Loud, but also quiet. Tired, but also full of life. This life as a mom is pretty darn wonderful. I continue to be in awe of everything that blooms from love. Family. Connection. Community. I look forward to each new snapshot that this life will bring.

Little mini adventures. Or, mini little adventures.

Life right now could be described using many adjectives. The one that's been crossing my mind over and over recently is: fun. Life with our little Judah is just so fun.

One of our first adventures married; Cozumel

I remember not long after Phil and I got married, the thought crossed my mind, It's going to be so fun sharing adventures together. Me and my best friend just taking on the world. And man oh man, has it ever been. Fun, that is. Phil and I have shared so many memories and vacations together in our almost 6 years of marriage. We've had numerous conversations over the years about how vacations, and life in general, would change once we had a baby. Well, I concur that it has changed. But, it has also stayed the same in many ways. It's still FUN!

Jes' wedding

Last weekend was my sister's wedding and I wasn't sure how Judah would do away from home. We'd done one night away before, but not two. Once there, I realized that no matter what the days and nights held for us, I was just so glad to have him there to share in those important memories.

It takes practice perfecting the art of getting out of the house with a newborn. But, these days, I treasure even going on random errands with my little human. He may fuss, he may cry, or he may love every minute of whatever we're doing. I feel ok about any of those options. I feel more and more comfortable as a mom and, in turn, even mundane daily moments are so enjoyable because I'm sharing them with Judah.

We have several vacations planned this summer and I'm looking forward to them in such a special way - Judah's first summer; our first vacations as a little family. Life is such a gift and life with our little mini is just so fun. I treasure the adventures we've already had together and know it has only just begun!

Google is not always your friend.

Month 3 was a challenge. Months 1 and 2 we had a system. A routine, of sorts. Judah slept, a lot. Judah nursed, a lot. I knew how to calm him - just nurse him! Then came month 3: Judah is more alert and awake for longer periods of the day. He's also more interested in the world around him, and me. This is not the challenging part. In fact, this is an amazing, rewarding and fun part of his life. There's nothing like walking in to your baby's room after they've woken from a nap, your head peers over their crib and, when they lock eyes with you, you receive a HUGE smile of recognition and joy.

All of sudden Judah is 3 months and he no longer needs to nurse around the clock. He's awake for longer periods, but he also gets tired quickly from all of that stimulation in the big, wide world around him. There's so much to see and do and his little brain can only handle so much at a time before wahhh I need a break!

It was a challenge figuring out how long he could stay awake before he was overtired and, thus, much harder to put down for a nap. I realized (and am still realizing; sometimes I need a daily reminder) that I put way too much pressure on both of us, Judah and I, to have things a certain way. Yes, babies change drastically in a very short period of time. Of course I knew this, but I didn't actually KNOW it until I experienced it. Each change led me to wonder if he was ok, eating enough? peeing enough? sleeping enough? I still don't know the answer but I am reminded (again, almost daily by my very patient and also way calmer than me hubs) that, more than likely, he is ok and he is just figuring out this life.

Where Judah is happiest to sleep :)

There was a period for about 3 weeks when Judah just did not want to nap. He'd scream and fight it with every breath and I would frantically try every little thing to get him to close his eyes. Crib? No. Bouncer? No. Rocker? No. Swaddled? No. Finally, exasperated, we'd both go lie down together in my bed...and he would fall asleep. I've shared my woes and worries with many-a-moms in my mom groups and I remember one telling me, "He just wants to be with you." This melted my heart and brought me right to that moment, right there, when my little guy was snuggled up against my chest in my baby carrier as I was having this conversation. He just wants to be with you. 

Sometimes, simpler is better. If Judah doesn't always nap in a specific spot at a specific time, it's not the end of the world! And I write this to remind myself. Google has not been my friend. I actually feel bad for babies in this generation because there is TOO MUCH information out there. 5 Ways to Make your Baby Sleep Better. The Fool-proof way to Better Naps! Yeah, I've read them all. Before Google, what did parents do? Sure, they probably still worried, but they didn't have thousands of articles telling them ways they could be doing it better. I have fallen in to the Google trap and let me tell you (and remind myself when I'm re-reading this at some point in the far future, possibly with a new baby), it hasn't helped one bit. In fact, it's made it worse most days. A few weeks ago I decided I would try and sleep train Judah. At 3 months old. What?! Needless to say, I didn't last past 6 minutes and promptly decided neither of us were ready and that it was completely crazy. I would never have even considered it had I not read it as a suggestion somewhere.

We're all trying to do our best as parents and I hope I can internalize that. I want to stop comparing Judah to every other baby - he is an individual. I want to take each stage for what it is and enjoy it, even through the frustration. Because with the frustration also comes a whole hell of a lot of laughter, fun, learning, discovery and beautiful, beautiful memories.

The beginning of a beautiful parenting journey

Judah is nearing his 4th month and, guess what? He's fallen into a semi-predictable pattern, all on his own. Motherhood is a lot of things. Some I expected, some I didn't. It has taken over my heart in the most wonderful ways possible and has also brought me to limits I never knew existed. I'm only at the very beginning of my journey as a mom and I want to continue it with grace, patience and understanding for Judah and our future children. I want Judah to know that he is an individual with his own needs and wants, and that's ok. He doesn't have to be like everyone else and he can figure things out on his own too. I will always be there to guide him, love him and nurture him, but I have to let go of controlling everything. Our home, and baby, are much happier when I do.