Snapshot

I am utterly in awe of God's design of the human body, the female one to be specific. Don't get me wrong, the male body is pretty darn amazing too, but I've been thinking a lot about what my body, mind and soul are capable of lately.

Most nights, whether or not Judah is sleeping in bed with us or in his crib, my body awakens - all on its own - just seconds before I hear Judah stirring on the monitor or feel him stir in bed with us. My body, this mama bear, knows when her baby is going to wake. I can just feel ahead of time when our baby is going to need replenishing, or maybe just a soothing back to sleep. To be reminded that, yes, everything is OK, mom and dad are still here, go back to sleep little love.

It's that deep, deep connection between mama and baby that has me in awe, and sometimes, even in tears. I have absolutely no doubt that babies and their daddies also have a very special bond, but of course I can only write about my own personal experience. I have wanted to take a snapshot of this moment in our life for quite some time. I call it a moment, but of course it's longer than that. It does feel longer now - the night wakings (which are getting much less frequent, thank both God and time, both of which I give credit to), the nap scheduling, the daily life of a mom and her 5-month old baby. BUT, I know that when I look back upon this time in years to come, it will only feel like a moment. A fleeting moment that passed all too quickly.

I want to take a snapshot because this time is just so, so precious. My little 5-month old and I, we really are enjoying life together. I love when he watches me get my breakfast ready in the morning while he sits in his Rock-N-Play (which he is quickly outgrowing, mind you. He can almost hiney-push his way out of it!). He chews on his favorite toy or his hand and waits until I look over to give me a huge grin. He watches me bop along to whatever song is playing on my iPod and sometimes laugh at how silly I look. I love filling our week up with daily outings, whether that's to a mom group, to Aunt Jen's, out for a walk, to lunch with a friend, or wherever the wind may take us. I also love the days when it's just me and Judah figuring out the day's schedule at home.

But, what I am especially grateful for and what I have felt so blessed to be experiencing lately is breastfeeding. I don't think I ever fully expected the depth of the bond that would come with breastfeeding your child. Those moments when it's just me and Judah, I love taking in all of his perfection in his tiny form. He grasps at me and looks up at me now while nursing. Sometimes he gets so enthralled while staring at me that he stops to give me a smile. Hi mom. My heart is so full of love for this boy and nursing him is such a special connection - I am so proud of my body for giving him the gift of nourishment and love.

If I were to take an actual snapshot of this moment in my life, it would be a lot of things. Busy, but also slow. Loud, but also quiet. Tired, but also full of life. This life as a mom is pretty darn wonderful. I continue to be in awe of everything that blooms from love. Family. Connection. Community. I look forward to each new snapshot that this life will bring.

Little mini adventures. Or, mini little adventures.

Life right now could be described using many adjectives. The one that's been crossing my mind over and over recently is: fun. Life with our little Judah is just so fun.

One of our first adventures married; Cozumel

I remember not long after Phil and I got married, the thought crossed my mind, It's going to be so fun sharing adventures together. Me and my best friend just taking on the world. And man oh man, has it ever been. Fun, that is. Phil and I have shared so many memories and vacations together in our almost 6 years of marriage. We've had numerous conversations over the years about how vacations, and life in general, would change once we had a baby. Well, I concur that it has changed. But, it has also stayed the same in many ways. It's still FUN!

Jes' wedding

Last weekend was my sister's wedding and I wasn't sure how Judah would do away from home. We'd done one night away before, but not two. Once there, I realized that no matter what the days and nights held for us, I was just so glad to have him there to share in those important memories.

It takes practice perfecting the art of getting out of the house with a newborn. But, these days, I treasure even going on random errands with my little human. He may fuss, he may cry, or he may love every minute of whatever we're doing. I feel ok about any of those options. I feel more and more comfortable as a mom and, in turn, even mundane daily moments are so enjoyable because I'm sharing them with Judah.

We have several vacations planned this summer and I'm looking forward to them in such a special way - Judah's first summer; our first vacations as a little family. Life is such a gift and life with our little mini is just so fun. I treasure the adventures we've already had together and know it has only just begun!

Google is not always your friend.

Month 3 was a challenge. Months 1 and 2 we had a system. A routine, of sorts. Judah slept, a lot. Judah nursed, a lot. I knew how to calm him - just nurse him! Then came month 3: Judah is more alert and awake for longer periods of the day. He's also more interested in the world around him, and me. This is not the challenging part. In fact, this is an amazing, rewarding and fun part of his life. There's nothing like walking in to your baby's room after they've woken from a nap, your head peers over their crib and, when they lock eyes with you, you receive a HUGE smile of recognition and joy.

All of sudden Judah is 3 months and he no longer needs to nurse around the clock. He's awake for longer periods, but he also gets tired quickly from all of that stimulation in the big, wide world around him. There's so much to see and do and his little brain can only handle so much at a time before wahhh I need a break!

It was a challenge figuring out how long he could stay awake before he was overtired and, thus, much harder to put down for a nap. I realized (and am still realizing; sometimes I need a daily reminder) that I put way too much pressure on both of us, Judah and I, to have things a certain way. Yes, babies change drastically in a very short period of time. Of course I knew this, but I didn't actually KNOW it until I experienced it. Each change led me to wonder if he was ok, eating enough? peeing enough? sleeping enough? I still don't know the answer but I am reminded (again, almost daily by my very patient and also way calmer than me hubs) that, more than likely, he is ok and he is just figuring out this life.

Where Judah is happiest to sleep :)

There was a period for about 3 weeks when Judah just did not want to nap. He'd scream and fight it with every breath and I would frantically try every little thing to get him to close his eyes. Crib? No. Bouncer? No. Rocker? No. Swaddled? No. Finally, exasperated, we'd both go lie down together in my bed...and he would fall asleep. I've shared my woes and worries with many-a-moms in my mom groups and I remember one telling me, "He just wants to be with you." This melted my heart and brought me right to that moment, right there, when my little guy was snuggled up against my chest in my baby carrier as I was having this conversation. He just wants to be with you. 

Sometimes, simpler is better. If Judah doesn't always nap in a specific spot at a specific time, it's not the end of the world! And I write this to remind myself. Google has not been my friend. I actually feel bad for babies in this generation because there is TOO MUCH information out there. 5 Ways to Make your Baby Sleep Better. The Fool-proof way to Better Naps! Yeah, I've read them all. Before Google, what did parents do? Sure, they probably still worried, but they didn't have thousands of articles telling them ways they could be doing it better. I have fallen in to the Google trap and let me tell you (and remind myself when I'm re-reading this at some point in the far future, possibly with a new baby), it hasn't helped one bit. In fact, it's made it worse most days. A few weeks ago I decided I would try and sleep train Judah. At 3 months old. What?! Needless to say, I didn't last past 6 minutes and promptly decided neither of us were ready and that it was completely crazy. I would never have even considered it had I not read it as a suggestion somewhere.

We're all trying to do our best as parents and I hope I can internalize that. I want to stop comparing Judah to every other baby - he is an individual. I want to take each stage for what it is and enjoy it, even through the frustration. Because with the frustration also comes a whole hell of a lot of laughter, fun, learning, discovery and beautiful, beautiful memories.

The beginning of a beautiful parenting journey

Judah is nearing his 4th month and, guess what? He's fallen into a semi-predictable pattern, all on his own. Motherhood is a lot of things. Some I expected, some I didn't. It has taken over my heart in the most wonderful ways possible and has also brought me to limits I never knew existed. I'm only at the very beginning of my journey as a mom and I want to continue it with grace, patience and understanding for Judah and our future children. I want Judah to know that he is an individual with his own needs and wants, and that's ok. He doesn't have to be like everyone else and he can figure things out on his own too. I will always be there to guide him, love him and nurture him, but I have to let go of controlling everything. Our home, and baby, are much happier when I do.

Neti Pot

There are many reasons winter is not my favorite season: the cold & flu passing around is just one of them. I caught the cold that has been going around our house so I've been looking for remedies that are safe to take and do while breastfeeding. Naturally, being brought up by two hippie parents, I turned to herbs and all things non-chemical-like. One such remedy is a neti pot. This little genie lamp looking pot is a curious little contraption that you pour into one nostril, tilt your head, and wait for the saline solution to come dribbling out of your other nostril. Sound odd? It is. Never would I have imagined myself trying this, but seeing as I've been doing a lot of new things lately (becoming a mother, giving birth, surviving on less sleep), I figured, why not?

I was not quite this enthused.

I turned to Youtube to watch some how-to videos, sterilized some water, and poured the solution into my right nostril as instructed by Youtube and the neti pot instructions. I'll tell you, it wasn't exactly comfortable. In fact, I chickened out a few times before I allowed the solution to go through my entire nasal canal. There was a moment when I was going to give up altogether - why try it if it's going to be uncomfortable? But then I thought, if I don't give it an honest try, I'll never know if it was worth it. And so I did. I breathed through my mouth, tilted my head again, and let the solution flow all the way through. It was a bizarre feeling, but it worked! After I was done doing both sides, I could breathe. It didn't cure my cold and I still got stuffy again a bit later, but it did the job it promised it would do - temporarily relieve my symptoms.

Sometimes (ok, most of the time) it's easy for me to be stuck in the why make myself uncomfortable moment instead of seeing the bigger picture. Instead of pressing forward through the not-so-comfortable part to reach the reward on the other end. Most things in my life that bring me joy have come out of enduring discomfort, even pain. Marrying Phil followed an eight year long distance relationship. Having Judah followed losing our first child and trying longer than anticipated to get pregnant again. God has been reminding me that he sees the bigger picture. When I'm stuck in the here and now and the why God? he is looking at what will come out of the discomfort.

When I'm sick with a sinus headache, stuffy nose and the inability to get a good night's rest, I wallow in I've never felt so crappy. But, this too shall pass. I will be healthy again. I will feel better and I will look back on this cold as a blip in the span of my life, if I even remember it all.

Being in a place of discomfort sucks. There's no other way to put it. But, looking back at all of the discomfort I had to endure to get where I am today, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't have married my best friend if I had given up on our long distance relationship. I wouldn't have Judah had I gotten pregnant sooner rather than later. And, I wouldn't have had a clear sinus had I given up on the little neti pot. Don't dismiss something that's uncomfortable or give up if you're in a time of pain and discomfort; something beautiful is waiting for you on the other side.

Two Months

It's been nearly two months since my world changed in the best way possible. Phil and I were talking about it yesterday and he said he can't believe it's been two months. In some ways, neither can I. But in others, it feels like Judah has been here with us for much, much longer.

Getting to know Judah has been like learning a very complicated, yet rewarding and beautiful dance. In the beginning, the routine looks daunting and seems impossible. How will I ever figure this out? But you take it day by day, step by step, and slowly, you start to learn the moves. Oh, that's his hungry cry. Each move you learn feels like such an accomplishment and a HUGE step forward. Whoa, did he just sleep for FOUR hours overnight?! Slowly, the routine comes together and your body can recite it with more fluidity and grace. Why yes, I am cooking myself some lunch while standing up nursing my son in the kitchen and managing not to burn the food or choke my baby.

No makeup, no filter, just motherhood. A lazy morning with my baby.

I am no expert at this dance, but I feel more and more comfortable and think I am managing. Every time I see Judah smile at me, it makes me think I may even be managing quite well. That smile. The other day, Judah had just finished nursing and I put him in his Rock N Play so I could eat my breakfast. I was famished and couldn't wait to take the first bite when I promptly dropped my breakfast sandwich on the floor. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, or maybe I'm just clumsy. Either way, I wasn't the least bit impressed with myself. I sighed loudly and was about to tell Judah how silly his mom is when I look over and Judah has this HUGE smile on his face and is staring right at me. He then proceeds to give me adorable baby coo after coo. It'll be ok mom. Consider my heart melted.

At two months, I'm feeling more like a mom and less like a zombie. At two months, I can usually guess what Judah needs based on his cry or time of day. I can multitask like never before. I don't feel like leaving the house with Judah and all of our gear is as much of a huge mountain to climb as before. I don't think the world will end if I need to nurse in public. I'm not a pro at this mom-thing and that's ok. This is a big revelation (to me) people.

This week, we're dealing with Judah's first cold. It's heartbreaking, but I think it's harder on me and Phil than it is on Judah. He's still smiling, cooing and exploring the world around him as he wonders where this funny new cough came from. This cold is one of many more uncharted 'firsts' to experience with my sweet boy. We will take each one step by step, and, with practice, we'll perfect this dance together.

Peace and Satisfaction

Tomorrow Judah will be 2 weeks old. 2 weeks since he entered this new, bright and amazing world.

I often stare at Judah while he's sleeping and wonder what he's thinking. I've had this conversation with almost everyone who has come to visit us, because, well, Judah is usually sleeping throughout the visit and what else is there to do but stare at his pout lips and soft cheeks and talk about him sleeping? It must be so peaceful to be able to drift into sleep without a worry. My personal opinion is that God gives newborns images or dreams of some sort to lull them to sleep. I love that babies are born with clean slates. No regrets, no guilt, nothing to keep them up at night (and during the day, since this babe sleeps a lot and is still learning the difference between night and day). I get teary just daydreaming about what his personality will be like when he starts to talk, walk, form his own opinions and figure out life for himself with the guidance that Phil and I will give him.

Being a mom, a parent, is such an adjustment. All of a sudden there's this little person that you just met but love so much and will do anything to protect. To me, being a mom is still a bit surreal. Yesterday, Judah and I went out together on a walk and, for the first time, it was just the two of us. I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window pushing his stroller and thought whoa, that's me. I'M the mom with the stroller! It still looked like me, just me carting around an extra little person. My little person. So yes, it does still feel surreal, but it also feels very normal. Every day that I'm taking care of Judah and adjusting to a life with the three of us rather than just two, I feel like this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. This moment in my life, right now, feels so right and wonderful.

When I'm woken up at 3am, 4am, 5am and maybe again at 5:30am to nurse this bottomless pit of an eater, I try to remind myself that years from now, these are the moments I will look back on fondly. I want to treasure the twilight nursing sessions when Phil is snoozing next to us in bed and I'm staring down at my son with groggy eyes, stroking his hair and wondering how much longer he'll be nursing. I want to treasure the countless diaper changes, especially the ones when Judah decides to poop in a freshly changed diaper. At 3am. When I've forgotten to put on PJ pants and am shivering in the freezing cold while trying to quickly change his diaper and get back into my warm bed. These are the moments that I think are easy to want to fast forward through - to get to a time when maybe I'll get a little more sleep at night and maybe Judah won't need to be changed 10+ times a day. But these are the moments that, I'm sure, pass by so quickly.

All of the yawns (both mine and his), all of the dirty diapers, all of the time spent soothing his tears and fussiness and nursing is all worth it when I see this look of pure peace and satisfaction on my son's face. This look that Judah knows mom and dad love me. They're going to take care of me. No matter what I do, everything will be ok as long as they're here. I hope this feeling of his never, ever goes away.

The Start of Something New

This is how the birth of our little man started. I tried to be very descriptive because I don't want to forget a single detail! If you're interested, feel free to read to share in our joyful day :)

Estimated due date: December 27, 2014

Monday, December 15: First day of maternity leave. Feeling great, took a long walk and had lunch with a dear friend.

Tuesday, December 16: Lower back pain began in the morning. Tried many different positions around the home to ease the pain, including yoga, hot shower, massage.

Wednesday, December 17: Felt nauseated in the morning, back pain continued throughout the day. At times, so intense it brought me to tears. Continued with trying home remedies to ease pain.

Thursday, December 18: Had an OB appointment in the morning and my first exam. Was told I'm fully effaced, 3cm and baby is in station 0 (deep in pelvis)! Tried (and failed) not to get my hopes up that this baby is coming soon. Lower back pain subsided in the afternoon after a long nap. Took a walk, rested.

Friday, December 19: Lower back pain continued off and on throughout the day, other symptoms including diarrhea and bouts of energy bursts.

Saturday, December 20: Felt great and had hardly any symptoms all day.

Judah's birthday, Sunday, December 21...

I'd been wondering for several days when our little man would make his appearance. To find out I was 3cm on Thursday and then to have the symptoms 'disappear' by Saturday, I was starting to feel like maybe my OB had made a mistake, even though that was not likely. My thoughts and emotions floated back and forth from wanting to just meet our little guy and then trying to just enjoy our last few days with just the two of us.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling fine. My lower back pain began in the afternoon around 12:30PM. I contacted my Doula to let her know since she'd been on-call since my 37th week. She told me to relax and see if they would go away like before. Then, shortly after hanging up with her, came the moment: "Phil, I think my bag of waters just leaked." Oh. This is happening!

It wasn't a huge gush like you see in movies (although it may be that way for many women). My contractions started soon after that as well and were coming quite quickly and intense.

Rachel, our Doula, made her arrival to our house by 1PM. I worked through a few contractions at home before we decided to make our walk across the street to the hospital to get checked out. I got a room right away and was given the external monitors to hear that sweet little heartbeat and make sure everything was ok. The nurse then informed me, after an exam, that I was 7-8cm. I was very focused on my Hypnobabies that was playing in my headphones but I do remember hearing that tidbit of information. Whoa..that means I'll be pushing soon. How am I doing this? I'm doing this; I can't believe I'm doing this. The focus in that moment is indescribable and one that I'm sure I'll only fully recall once I'm in the situation again.

After about an hour and a half, I was told I was fully dilated and could push if I felt the urge. Boy what a switch it felt to go from contractions to knowing that I'd be pushing my baby out. That was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. The most forefront thought the entire time was I have the ability to push our baby out and then we'll get to meet him. Phil and Rachel were both rock stars
coaching me through every single push and motivating me to meet our son. Then, just when I thought I had absolutely nothing left in me and the doctor would have to help me get him out, I pushed our little boy into the world at 7:23PM on December 21, 2014. The doctor placed him right on my chest and, wow, how is that moment even describable with words? I couldn't believe this baby came out of me and that he was all mine and Phil's. Pure joy, relief, love, exhaustion, oxytocin.

The days since have been new, tiring, rewarding, full of ups and downs as Phil and I maneuver our way through taking care of this new little person. One of the kind nurses at the hospital said it best: welcome to parenthood, the hardest yet most rewarding thing you'll ever do. 

There's no way I would've been able to give birth without my wonderful support team. Thank you God for the wonderful birthing nurses who dedicate their lives to making this experience a positive one. A fellow recent mama shared her experience of the delivery nurses that I share wholeheartedly, check it out here. My husband and Doula were both exactly what I needed as well; massaging me through each contraction and coaching me through each push. Thank God for community, thank God for each other, and I thank God for our little Judah Nathaniel who has changed our lives for the better.